Presence vs Presents

In today’s very commercialised world it is really easy as parents to get carried away with giving children presents instead of our valuable presence. It is often the easiest thing when parents are feeling guilty for their absence, for whatever reason to buy a child a present. But can that really compensate for their physical and emotional absence? Most human communication is non verbal (about 90 per cent). Lack of physical and social interaction can lead to delayed cognitive development, depression, behavioural and sleep issues.

The early messages that children receive from their verbal and non-verbal communications from their parents are messages that will remain with them for a lifetime. With the absence of sufficient loving and contact a child could conclude, “ I am unlovable as I am. I am a burden. I wish I was not here.” It is only through quality meaningful time spent with children that they can develop into secure confident people. When a child feels comfortable to communicate their needs to a reliable, emotionally present parent this child will be confident and will be able to go on to develop trusting relationships. This is an important aspect of connection, which puts a child at ease.

Positive self esteem is generated from being loved, treasured adored and accepted by our parents for who we are. If one does not feel special to their parents it will be difficult to feel cherished for who they are as an individual.It will also be difficult to feel loved. Hence the coping mechanisms start to develop in trying to change who you are as your own unique person in a bid to get love and acceptance and in an often unconscious attempt to ward off the difficult feelings that go with the feelings of inadequacy. Those who have not been given much, support as children will have a less confident sense of themselves and will often experience feelings of being unsupported. This lack of feeling supported can manifest as insecurity and a lack of motivation to move ahead and achieve goals. This can impact negatively on future relationships, as the unsupported child finds self-acceptance difficult and will therefore be distrusting of others ability to be trusted and to have their best interest at heart. The unsupported child also finds it very difficult to ask for help, as their lived experience with unsupportive or absent parents, is that people will not be responsive to their needs.

Developing infants learn to modulate their emotions through interactions with their parents. Without this appropriate and very necessary modulation an individual can go on to experience their emotions as either being out of control or completely detach from them. It then becomes difficult to contain impulses. Children benefit from the presence of their parents who in early development will be meeting a child’s needs before the child becomes completely overwhelmed by them. Soothing is very effective when a child is distressed, this can be through a parents calm reassuring tone, touching or simply their reassuring presence. This allows for a child to be able to self regulate and then emotions are not experienced as being frightening or overwhelming. A baby experiences all its needs as urgent, therefore requiring prompt response from its parents. Sadly, leaving a baby to cry for or to cope by itself for more than a short period destroys its confidence in the parents and subsequently in the world.

Evidence has shown that humans of all ages are happiest and are in a position to reach their best potential when they are confident that they have a trusting person standing behind them should difficulties arise. Children and adults alike need to have secure relationships and trust that they have support. To have this ensures that children can be confident and be able to see the world through lenses of trust.

Psychotherapy gives an individual the chance to ‘grow up again’. It provides an environment in which an individual’s feelings are accepted. The person is allowed the opportunity of looking at old ways of self-regulating and replace them with new ones. The reality is that it took a long time to form these ways of regulating and can take a while to unravel them in therapy. Unfortunately, by the time someone comes to therapy they have developed such deeply engrained, that it can take some time to unravel. Often very destructive behaviours of coping are employed to combat these difficult emotions such as, overuse of alcohol and or other substances, eating disorders, erratic behaviours in relationships, just to name a few.